Leaving the Workplace: Un-Kidnapping Myself!
“Often we kidnap ourselves from the lives that we actually want because we think a different path is going to help us survive, get by, pay our bills and meet our needs in the world.” – Ashley Stahl, Career Coach
I have lived my entire young adult life in a self-imposed prison, with the belief that the life I really wanted was not possible nor practical for me. Every move that I made was based off two thoughts: the fear that I would not get what I wanted, and the fear that I would get what I did not want.
I had kidnapped myself into an endless cycle of fear. I was so very afraid of struggling financially and not having. I grew up having just enough. No vacations, no new school clothes every year, no new gadgets, and toys as soon as they hit the market. So as a child, I became prisoner to the belief that just enough (and nothing more) was the life that was meant for me.
The Prison
Entering the corporate world was both my undoing and my salvation. Here, I had my first taste of what visceral anxiety felt like. Initially, I had no idea what that feeling was. I just knew that it was a discomfort that first crept up into my belly, then crawled up into my neck, made my chest tight or squeezed its way into my upper-back any time I was reprimanded by a superior or felt that I had done something wrong. It would come and go; sometimes I could not breathe. Over time, I grew to hate the toxicity of my workplace but, in efforts to quell the anxiety, I learned to build an invisible fortress of fake positivity around myself. The money was good, so I was a good girl and stayed in my prison. The fear of not having was King.
I yearned for something different, but I did not know what or how, So I changed jobs. I equate that point in my life to picking up a burning house and moving it to a new city. The location and scenery were different, but the house was still burning. I was trying my best to fix an internal problem with external solutions. My prison became home. I had kidnapped myself into a life I did not want because this was the only way I knew. Afraid to leave because my cell was a familiar yet outwardly cozy hell. The external struggle that I was afraid of began to manifest itself internally.
The anxiety in my belly, the fear energy that likes to rest in my back, the tightness in my chest began to take permanent residence in my body. I wanted to scream. I dove deeper into my inner work to calm the sensations but the deeper I went, the louder they became. See, the thing about doing inner work is, the deeper you look, the harder it is to ignore what you find. They wanted to be heard. They wanted to be freed. But if I listened… they might request something that I was afraid to do. The possibility of not having enough was too great. I knew what prison was like and it was easier to rest in familiarity than to jump into the unknown.
Peter Crone, who labels himself as the “Mind Architect” states that “people and situations present themselves in our lives to show us where we are not free.” Suddenly, people who worked for themselves in various occupations started to enter my life. As the people around me started to shift, the space in prison my cell became increasingly smaller and not so comfortable. My eyes were opening, the veil became thinner, my world of possibility was expanding. “What IS life like outside of here? Maybe I can try it… can’t be worse than the way I feel now…” Freedom was so close I could taste it.
I Quit…
So, on February 3rd, 2020 I typed up an initial letter of resignation, walked into the building and planted it firmly on my boss’ desk. Yes! I was so sure this was the right thing to do! Then… he asked if I was willing to work part time for a month or so until they found someone to replace me. The voices that like to talk us out of things started chanting and the fear of not having enough rolled into its familiar home in my back. So, without hesitation, I said yes.
One month turned into two, into three, into five. By month six, I was no longer mentally there. My body still showed up, but my mind was so far gone. I was now standing outside of my prison cell, watching that poor thing I had kidnapped so long ago suffer inside her cage. It became unbearable to watch. I said to myself “She’ll explode in there. Let her out.”
The Final Straw
On Monday, August 31st I took a deep breath, and typed up one more resignation letter ending in “This decision is final.” My belly, back and chest collectively relaxed. Finally. FREEDOM.
So, what is next? Grabbing life by the horns and walking into the life I have always wanted is next. “Let’s see what happens if I try this...” is next. Allowing my light to have space to shine because I KNOW that I deserve things that I cannot imagine is next! I stand in the belief that even when it does not seem like it, everything is and will always be okay. When we land on this earth, we come equipped with everything that we need to make it through this life. We are enough. Being a witness to my own transformation has taught me to walk through doors with curiosity and excitement, and not allow fear to keep me in the hallway. I have learned that if ever I feel trapped or kidnapped, the person looking back at me in the mirror has the key to my release.
There is always beauty on the other side of fear. The life you desire awaits just right outside your prison cell if you choose to walk into it.