Love, Pole & Happiness
I’m used to answering a lot of questions; How long did it take you to get your first invert? How do you manage to balance all the things (a young family, demanding full-time career, teaching Pole, owning and operating a Pole Studio and a social life)? Is that a wash-and-go? What products do you use? Where did you get that <insert Pole Wear item>…?
One question that I find myself answering most often is; How do you make your Pole Life work for both you and your husband?
Well friends, that’s a not-so-straightforward one to answer because it’s been quite a ride and we are still on this journey figuring it out as we go. What worked for us yesterday versus a decade ago are two completely different things. We have evolved as individuals as well as a couple. I was already Carlos’ wife when my pole journey began back in 2009. The moral of that story is: my life partner has always been more important to me than Pole and he was here first!
CarIos and I have been growing in love together for 15 years and counting, the last 11 of which have been spent pretty happily married. #BlackLove is alive and well contrary to some popular (and damaging) narratives! We are far from perfect. I am no relationship expert but we have come to understand a thing or two about the special sauce required for a positive long-term relationship…especially when #PoleLife is added to the mix!
Have Open, Honest and Continual Conversations
Many people that I have spoken with about this topic have one or more of the following concerns:
· External parties, be they family members, friends, colleagues, even strangers and other members of the holier-than-thou contingent who feel compelled to weigh in on you as a Poler and/or the relationship as a whole
· Good ‘ol slut shaming and other hang-ups associated with Pole’s origins and/or sex work
· Adhering to social norms and the moral police
My first response to all of the above (now) is typically “If they’re not hurting themselves or anyone else, it shouldn’t concern you.” or “Sex is good – it’s how we all got here!”
Back when I was a Baby Poler I wasn’t as open-minded as I thought. The thing that tripped Carlos and I up the most usually stemmed from others’ opinions of me, how our marriage should function, how I should behave as a mother/wife/corporate professional/business owner or just Pole Dancing in general. Once we identified this we began focusing more on pleasing one another while learning to pay less attention to the outside noise. It was only when we really started to have honest conversations about our thoughts and feelings on these issues that we were able to move past those sticking points.
One of the biggest lessons that I have learned in this relationship is that if that’s your person, like, your forever, for-eva-eva, for-eva-eva person, they should have enough compassion for you to at least consider your perspective. As such, you should not ever be afraid to share anything with them. As Pole Dancers, we have to have a certain level of IDGAF about what people say which can be difficult to relate to our partner if they are not naturally of that same mindset. We also need to have tough skin (literally!) but this should not extend to our feelings and interactions with our partner.
Show Up, Everyday
Being “too busy” is death to all things enjoyable. We Pole Dancers make time for Pole classes, Pole Competitions, Pole Shows, Pole trips, Pole friends and on and on and on so why not make time for our partner? What’s more, if you do not enjoy spending time your partner, why are you still there? Carlos and I have two young children, both of whom have action-packed schedules, we both have full-time careers, he is a personal trainer and group fitness instructor outside of his 9-to-5 and I have Aerial Therapy. Busy is an understatement! Yet, we refuse to make excuses and instead make time for each other. We are each other’s biggest supporters. We regularly go on dates. We meet each other for breakfast and/or lunch when work schedules permit. We randomly steal kisses whenever we’re around one another. And yes, we get on each other’s nerves at times! We have our own individual passions but we remain intentional about making each other a priority. The grass is green where you water it so get to landscaping!
Free Up, Have Fun
Most of us Pole Dancers don’t have to be told this but, gentle reminder, please do not take yourself too seriously! Live abundantly. Take up space. Laugh heartily. Do you. This can also be applied to your relationship. If Pole is fun for you than it certainly can be fun for you and your partner. Allow your partner into the Pole World and see where it can take you both. If you can help your partner gain insight into why Pole invigorates you, it may help you to connect with them on another level.
Carlos bought me my first pole as an early Christmas gift in 2011 so he has essentially been “on board” since the beginning of me going way off the deep end of my Pole Journey. There was a time when Pole was more for/about me than it was for him but my views have since shifted in a direction that better-suits us both. Long story short, get your partner involved in your passion wherever possible. Open up your world to them and who knows, it may bring you closer together.
Try as I may, I am neither Dr. Phil nor Captain-Save-A-Hoe. Most of what I’ve expressed is based on the assumption that your partner is a willing participant on this ride, which is unfortunately not always the case. This is just a high-level overview of the major keys that help to make my marriage relationship work. My story isn’t necessarily yours but understanding some of the aforementioned would likely have saved me and my hubby headaches, stress and even a few tears had we figured this thing out sooner. Similar to your individual Pole Journey, what works for me may not work for you and I recognize that there are a number of issues that I haven’t addressed here but I hope this helps someone in some way.
When all is said and done, treat your partner with the same love and respect that you expect to receive from them and Pole on!
Peace, Love & Pole